Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Happy Golden Jubilee To Blog Babe!

This is the 50th post,happy golden jubilee,blog babe.Here take a piece of cake,babe.Got no money to buy champagne,babe,don't ditch me for that petty an issue,please!

M:Ah poor you,harmless creature!
M:aye and stingless too.
Me:*nods*Hybla Bees.

So if you got a hint(which obviously you didn't,know-it-all) I wasn't talking today,I just fucking couldn't talk!I can cut myself from talking,but not bickering about laughable issue[read:human masterpieces].So I carried a notebook and a pen to write down comments AND today we bade farewell to Sr.Sheena,aha!what an oppurtunity to scrutinize the farewell program and write down pages of criticism.If you say that critics are generally a group of people who don't know how to do something,you are absolutely right,those dumbasses just don't know how to criticize at all!How disappointing!
So I'm typing down a few comments off my notebook.
On the Tamil song(no offence meant,but since I don't know a thing about this language,the song sounded outright funny to me):They are saying the same word throughout or what?
On the song "Seasons in the sun" by class 10[read:idiots]:
Me(at the starting):It's as exciting as unwrapping gifts-this song.
M:It's nt DAT "hard to die" if you are listening to it(if you don't know,the lyrics goes like Goodbye my friend,'it's hard to die')
On the suitcase gifted to her:Suitcase symbolizes,"Pack up and move on,baby!"
On our appalause at her entry:Vottay cunning plan!We are clapping because it is her Farewell Day!
On Sr.Margarette's "Bye Bye Sheena,I love you and I'll miss you" speech:
M:Sali hypocrite!(OMG!ROTFLMFAO!)
When bored:
M:According to Babylon(the teacher who was anouncing)we'll miss her @ home,can u guess wen?
Wen I'm flushing the toilet!(oh yea!and potty too,such a potty woman!)
When bored to the core(Topic:Some random man,what else is interesting during those moments?):
Me:They are kameena because they lose their insight with their eyesight!
Me:It's generally noobs who beat us in this game!
M:Fuck!I never noticed!
When Sheena starts singing a song:
U:We are listening to poorly composed opera.Tch tch.

Okhay so that was it,Sheena's song is the kind that is appropriate for the item "Ghost Ballet" by Ghost Dukhiyari Bhatakti Huyi Aatma for "Sssh,Phir Koi Hai".
Just because I wasn't talking everyone else started acting-talking like me.See my power?And when I said a word instead of writing by chance,they were like,"OMG!You are talking!"
Well,biologically speaking,I possess a vocal chord so I can't pretend to be dumb 24*7.
Incase you are thinking,I'm a new born baby who's learning to talk,well,I'm not.
No,not even a dare.
I fucking chewed up my tongue and lips while chewing dinner,innit?

Monday, June 23, 2008

Doodle 8:Crushed.

And what happens if you see someone uber-cool?

This is the second...errm...romantic fling.The first wasn't a fling,or a bad choice,or a case of getting ditched or ditching or the term called relationship for that matter.Nothing was wrong there except myself.I have never embarassed myself so much in my life and I donot regret it.Also,i have learnt not to learn from my past mistakes so I haven't forgotten anything,haven't moved on,haven't cursed,etc.

So,whatever,this is the second.The difference is,he is beyond the coolest limit of appearing cool.You'll feel like being in a deep freezer,he's tall,he's much older than me and we don't know each other and are never going to see each other.

He wore a decent shirt with green[a nice soothing green] pinstripes all over,nice jeans.He wore his pants on his waist well above his *ahem* dick. :D No bling.A watch and a cigar in his hand,the other had a malboro packet.Clean shaven.Fair.Nice hair,unkempt though..AND HE IS THE COOLEST BONG I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY WHOLE LIFE!Literally,i mean it!He is a bong i know it,his face said it and his friend's face also said it.In all probability his surname is Sen or Bannerjee or Chatterjee or...Purkayastha.Generally,people with those surnames look a li'l too different.He's 20-21 years old...i guess.Roughly,he looked like this.

I drooled at him for 5 whole minutes,maybe with my tongue out,saliva dripping down,like a hungry dog.But I didn't do it first,I was staring at crow which looked electrocuted and then I turn around and see that some uber-cool person is staring.For all i know,it must have been the crow that he was staring at,but I'm just pleased to have seen him face to face.I thanked the crow and thanked God,even 15 seconds will work out fine,I swear!Possibilities are,I'll never see him again,he's committed,he wants to be a priest,I'll be a nun,everyone else will go to pubs,everyone!Fraands,friends,best friends,cousins,neighbours,best neighbours,dumbass classmates,don classmates,digital friends,digital love,digital brother,biological sister,possibly my doggie too,every friggin person i'm associated with.
D'oh!Please good Lord,let the image stay behind for a few more days,please!Only a few more days.

Nice dreams,I've been getting but the face gets blurred with each day passing by.


Signed with love,forever true.-J

Friday, June 20, 2008

Doodle 7:Matter Of Fact.


and to encapsulate the bad day,it started off with those cyclonic rains.It must have been raining like mad in Darj. since it was freaking cold here and thanks to my typical authoritarian mum and geek friends,I didn't bunk school.My mother never asked me NOT TO ATTEND SCHOOL,infact if I had 2 seconds left to live life,she'd rather make me spend that time immersed in books,IN SCHOOL!I called my geek friend.It went like this:

Me:Hallo?Going to school.

Geek:My mother is asking me not to go....but

Me:Yea whose butt?

Geek:We'll miss maths class.

Me:#%*@ you!

So I go to school,get a seat next to the window and when I stand up,for a few seconds my ass feels damp and skirt feels wet.I thought I had peed.And the butt never dried neither the skirt.I've had goosebumps all day long,yearning for a blanket.Half of the class was empty,so the teachers exempted us from teaching.My eyelids rallied for a shutdown.Then S insisted that we go to watch Chronicles of Narnia.I come back home,get my butt dried and ring mum to ask if she'd let me go.Everything was set,I just had to enquire if my Maths tutor could teach some other day instead of today and he says,No,you can't go.It's a wonderful day to solve problems,exactly,solve mine,just teach some other day.Today we'll solve nice questions,Ooooh!I'm so excited!!BUT if you want to go,I don't have anything to say.Okhay I get it.
So I get the plan cancelled,today was the last date,no Narnia for me.
ALSO,I have been wanting to talk to a few people godammed much...but cold wars prevent me.So today I mugged up that the antonym of love is indifference,not hate.
Oh wait,I almost missed something,last night,I prepared to watch the soccer match between Germany and Portugal and my cable connection walked right out on me,NOBODY dumped me that bad!Those are the times when I think thoda aur wish karo,dish karo.

Okhay bye,may you share the same fate as mine.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Autobiography:Not A Hyperbole.

You'll never aspire to be me and will preach that to your kids too.For some supercalifragilisticexpialidocious(phew!spacebar is working a'right!) situations which always has me as the central character.Why?Good Lord?Why me of all?

Friend:Have you read Love Story,Jubs?

Me:and since when have you started reading?

Friend:Did you read it,Jubs?



Me:A 'REALLY' no.

Friend:Eat Shit!

I read this love story named 'Love Story'.In the class.Reading...reading and still reading,now giggling a little too.Reading the 'physical initmation' scene.....and then the teacher sees a book with a lot of hearts in the cover,in my hand,a rare situation and demands to see it.Very nice,Jubs,eat shit!Turns to read the very page that I was reading,aha!physical intimacy!Die,Jubs,just die!I just keep pretending that I'm invisible,that no one can see me.M almost dies laughing beside me.What's so horrendously funny anyway?Buddha loves and Jesus saves.The teacher is some unmarried young lady and it was a free period.The last time I got caught reading a book was in Maths class,which wasn't a free period(which never is a free period)and he didn't return the book for almost a month.Everyone has her own idiosyncratic way to cope up with different situations,mine-laugh till you get tears.

Question:What kind of future do you dream for your coutry?

What others have said:I want India to be the richest country,don't want no shitty terrorism in it,don't want no poverty in it,don't want no bad politics in it.I want India to be the best country.

What I wrote:I want India to be hygenic,so that next time when I read a book written by an American which mentions India,it necessarily isn't linked to having given the protagonist a diarrhoea.Nothing funny,even there.I really want it that way.

Tea:What is a simple sentence?

The best possible answer:There are three kind of sentences-simple,complex and compound.Now beat that!

The best possible reply to that:Impressive non sequitur,smarty pants!Write down impositions,NOW!

The best possible answer back on your mind:How cogent,Watson!

The few messages that I receive daily in my Gracious Phone:
1.Bitch XD.Vaaary funny!
2.I'm alive! know the rest,sweet cake,why don't you just cooperate and send some 'I love you'?When will you ever learn to cooperate,you bastard?when?

Bottomline:You don't want to be me,honey,never!You won't even want to send a 'I love You' message to me.But don't fuck off,anyway.


Thursday, June 12, 2008

Bull Crap-Part 2[The emo] and 'Other Matters'

I had pardy-pardy yesterday,with 'goo ol frns'....that too after a long time.Played Hadicapped game,in which I sat on a chair which has wheels[the game came in unintentionally],doesn't mean it's a wheel chair and I wouldn't sit on normal breakable-plactic chairs or wooden chairs,so to make me get up the others kept rotating the chair....and I gave up being a cripple and everyone took turns in getting crippled.Next we discovered after a long time that with the self-timer on,all of us can be present in the photographs and so we clicked REAL weird photos of ourselves,some of which we promised not to show to anyone! Click here to see our 'The Finger' picture.Our other antics are censored stuff.

So here goes the Emo profiles:

Name:♥Deadrose♥/ *insert any other sad name with two hearts on either side*
Introduction:I am odd.I ♥ bubble wraps =]
Some interesting introductory message i had stumbled upon : For all those Emos who keep unoriginal emo pics,atleast keep your original emo pics yaar,i just hate unoriginal things!
Interest:Gore and more gore,i ♥ it!
Song: I wuv avril!i <3>
Books: aww c'mon!they need time to be sad. :(

They way they talk:

1.Hey bestie,i wuv you!i <3>2.Ur higgghhhhh niggaaahh!! :Dw000tttttily <3>
3.Imma fly with you! =D

The Best Part!The pictures you generally see in their album....I nicked it off someone's album just to post here,secret okhay?
3. That's how the hair should cover their eyes.LMAO!

Okhay so that's it,enough of acting snobbish,forgive me Mr.God,forgive me album harm intended.One of those who read my gobbeldegook can volunteer to become my body guard!PLEASE DO IT!


Sunday, June 8, 2008

Bullcrap:Part 1[The General]

Some things that I have been seeing for ages now,in orkut.
Username:@nKit@ RuleZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!/I h@\/e Ma oWn @tTiTuDe!!
About me:I m da koolest girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!/ *insert any linkin park song*
Favourite Book: One night @ call centre!!!!!!!!!!!!
Favourite Actor: Leonardo Di Caprio!!!!Daniel Radcliffeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!i luv him!!!!!!!
Favourite Song:Titanic song!!!!!!!!!!!

When you start conversing with one of them:
Dickless dude[DD]:hii!!!!!!!!!!
DD:wat's uppppppp????????!!!!!
DD:hehe,good jokeeeeee!!!nywayzzz wat's upppppppp?????!!!
DD:watzzz ur name??????
You: *insert your name*
DD:do u hav a phone????i hav ma phone,wat's ur numbr,plzzzzzzzz????????
You:oh,crap. =/ bye!
DD:no,plzzzzzzzz!did u angry on me,wat's ma falt?????????plzzz dun gooooooo!!!wat's ma falt??
You:naaaaaaathingzzzzzzz!!!still,bye. =/

Pitures you see in their albums:

1.A shirtless John Abhraham,captioned "kooooooooooooool!!!!"
2.Some other random but cute looking model wearing some suit,captioned "sweeeeeeetttt!!!"
3.Some beautiful woman,captioned "ma luvvvvvvvvv!!!"
4.Picture of the person[generally 'himself'] showing the finger,captioned 'attituuuddeee!!!"
5.Picture of the person with his friends,all sitting on their own bikes,captioned "DHOOOOMMMM!!!"
6.A picture of their N95,which their dad gifted them and also went bankrupt after that,captioned "ma cellll!!!!"
7.Picture of a laptop which they generally pass as theirs,with the orkut window open,captioned "ma laptoppp!!!!"
6.Picture of their dads and brother sitting beside the laptop,captioned,"ma daddddddd n brooo,so kooool naaa!!!!"
7.Generally,a picture of themselves,shirtless,captioned "thiz is meeeeeeee!!!!!"

1.They haven't ever read any book except one night @ call centre,and I seriouslydoubt if they can REALLY read!

1.5.Yea okhay,u r da kewwwlezzzzzzzttttttttt!!
2.They haven't watched any English film except Titanic,got no idea what other hollywood actors exist,except Leornardo[Blood Diamond isn't bad,by the way],got no idea how othersongs other than Titanic song sound like.
2.5.*insert your own set of slangs* as for me,i'll go with 'coconuts'!

Next post will be on Emo profiles.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Quotable Life Of Good Gracious ME!

An advice I love to love like I'd love my love which obviously I don't have to:

"My dad always said that you shouldn't lie cos you'll have to tell another ten lies to back it up.However,Hardjit'd taught me that if the back-up lies are good enough,then so fucking what?"

Random Things I Hate[100.105 Version]

Before you point me out that it was a smart idea,I figured that out pretty early.Much before someone actually penned it down,for the sake of it.I have learnt to loathe my private Maths class by now.I completely detest it.Solving out not-solvable problems in a graveyard is no fun especially when women with XXL sized bellies who keep watching Saas Bhi Kabhi Jamai Babu Thi and whatever follows next and complain that their household chores is a never ending job and men with bigger-than-their-faces moustache and bigger-than-themselves paunch sleep like dead donkeys while the galli-don steals there car keys with their kids between them,in a sweltering summer noon with no trace of rain-bearing clouds.Re-read the sentence,yes,it is big.

It's just the Prof. and me and the 80 kgs book with pages which say "500 different way to shit under the sky" or something like that,all you have to do is calculate.

A year back,it wasn't funnier but tolerable,yes,I'd take breaks from pretending to solve things and look at the oh-so-not-look-able boy,who techincally was older and shorter and looked like he would in his dad-hood years.Resembling a chimp in so many ways and so much hair to show *shudders*.He left the tution.Left me alone,alone with mosquitoes and books and a Prof.

So yea the whole point of describing this was that the thought of attending the overweening class gives me lachrymose eyes,you can water your plants well with the tears.Everyday Friday and Sunday i keep hoping that the alarm clock will ditch me.But then far from lending a tiny bit of succor it always wakes me up in the perfect[est] time!So this devil idee fixe grasped my unholy sinistral mind,duh!it is the best-est mind ever,I dream of nuddy pornstars signing autograph,I dream Aishwarya Rai's face getting eaten up by a three headed monster,the second mouth has SRK for having invested his fortune on Kewlkata Night Gowns,the third can have some random person whom I don't like that could be you too. So okhay,I set the alarm to ring an hour later,and I purposely wake up late, aww c'mon,it's the godammed alarm clock that did it!*innocent-est of all innocent looks*.

Next class,this is what happened:

Tee:What happened the last day?

Me:*realising that saying that the alarm walked right out on me wasn't an effective lie*I umm...sort of skin disease,sir.. wtf?

Tee:whaa? :O what happened?show me?

"Hardjit'd got this another rudeboy rule,you see.The rule says that if you're having trouble explainin shit to your elders,especially to your parents,just start throwin in more complicated words and maybe even a bunch a capital letters an they'll just give up tryin to understand."

Me:uh-oh!Thing thing is up on my thigh sir,contagious,the dermatologist says.*confident look*

Tee:what's the name? thing...oh holy fucking shit!sir,that thing...basal cell....BCC..

For all I know that it's some kind of cancer, :D

Tee:oh,=/ huh?open up your book.

Me:Just to make sure* Do you like Biology,sir?

Tee:No,just Maths,'nuff said!Open up your book.

So yea,now you know why you should lie,and lie it well,re-read the bold sentences over and over again and you'll grow up to be cool like me,seriously,wtf?

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


And you always dreamt of hollow cheeks,a body with no flesh in it,pouty lips,a manly chest,designer clothes on you,designer stilettoes,designer handbang,designer *insert possibilities*,your picture in some fashion page of a newspaper or say a fashion magazine.

You craved for all that since they called you fatso,in school and even now just to make sure your skeletons nudge you to ask other,"Am I looking fat?" And so you feel real nice when you are told,"Wow!You look thin[like a malnourished twig]" so skinny that your foetus wouldn't fit in your stomach.You often feel proud because you faint,it reminds you that you are thin.

You want to be a model. :)

And then you end up wearing this!Aren't you looking gorgeously dumb?

Only if that'd fortify you from being laughed at.Been there,done that?
Corrupted choice of clothes.Ingenious you,and you ingenious yea,sensible people are never going to look like 'whoops!-i'm-caught-in-the-middle'.No,never.

Happy Wearing Alien Clothes Day!

Nice to see aliens so interested in walking the ramp on Earth.Hold on,isn't that an alien?Comic character? Fine!Thou soothe my complacent eyes whatsoever!